Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
