I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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