my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
