Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
this is an emotional support booty call
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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