I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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