Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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