JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
