I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
