His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
