So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
