When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
