This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
