If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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