alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
