I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Damn victory sex feels great
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
