Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Randomize
