idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
