I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
