dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
