Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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