Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
