fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize