bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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