Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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