Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
