Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know her cup size but not her name....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
