I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
