I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize