are you still at the devil's house?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
