I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
