Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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