last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
