Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
