maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
