i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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