Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
