I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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