my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
