Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
