I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
