i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
