I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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