We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
