I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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