i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
