On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
