My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
