i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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