gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
