i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
