is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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