I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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