Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
