they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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